I wish everyone would just shut the fuck up
Andre Drummond is here
So maybe people should pay a little respect
He’s like a pretty black version of Sloth from Goonies, but with symmetrical facial features,
A keen mind, and an NBA contract,
Unchained from Lawrence Frank’s basement of 20-minute games
To a freedom where he doesn’t wreak havoc
He wreaks hell on victims in bulging musclebound ferocity,
His calm demeanor contradicting a storm of terror delivered with the
Fury of a hundred angry, scowling Kenyon Martins crossbred with salty Donald Sterlings
The Pistons are dead?
How can that be when Drummond’s dunks are sporty homicides that
Sacrifice feeble-bodied opponents to the blood-lusting spectators at the Palace
His snarling rebounds snared with the wings of a Velociraptor,
Swoll from injecting organic biofuels and carrying the weight of ghosts of Pistons past
Andre Drummond is 20-years-old, carved from the mind of Greek poets and
Given life by the nefarious bioengineers who created Drago in Rocky IV
He’s the art and the science, the inspired and the diabolic
Fuck what you heard
Dwight Howard’s a clown who hasn’t learned the world’s laughing at him
Blake Griffin’s a knockoff Shawn Kemp and fugazi to boot
Andrew Bynum’s the black Bill Walton of the modern day
Brook Lopez has the agility of Jabba the Hut
Anthony Davis is a delicate spindle dancing on the levees of injurious doom
If Drummond plays Beast, LaMarcus Aldridge is tea and crumpets
DeMarcus Cousins is Mitch “Blood” Green to Drummond’s Mike Tyson
Al Horford, Chris Bosh, Roy Hibbert are Shakespeare in the Park. Drummond is GWAR.
Tim Duncan is on life support and Shaq is dead
Today the world belongs to Andre Drummond.
It spins on his axes, tilts toward his sun, operates in his orbit.
The 9th Wonder of the World is Andre Drummond …. Act accordingly